Gauge : SBMC Maryland Read online

  “You think I don’t like those things too? You think I like being this way? Being who I am? I can’t change me, Gauge and neither can you. This is it, this is all I have to offer.” His eyes dance between mine, sadness and pain mixing in. I hate that I’m the one hurting him.

  “I have no words here, Dez. I’ve never attempted a relationship. I’ve never looked for one, and frankly, I don’t know that I could do it. I am what I am too and I can’t change that. You, though? You can stop the drugs, Dezzy. You can become so fuckin’ spectacular. Why don’t you see that in yourself?”

  “You don’t know me. I can’t be any of that.”

  “I saw the drawings. I do know you. Better than you might think. You’re smart and beautiful. You have God given talent that you are throwin’ away from that shit in your pocket. You’re lettin’ the past keep you there and it’s swallowin’ you whole, darlin’. It won’t stop until it has all of you.” His sincere words tug at my heart and cause the tears to slide down my cheeks. His hands come up and his thumbs brush the tears away.

  “There are some things that can never change, Gauge. God how I wish they could but they can’t.”

  “You don’t know that until you try, Dez. You gotta at least try.”

  “For what? What is there left to try for?” I look into his eyes as the salty tears keep leaking down my cheeks. Gauge licks his lips and takes a deep breath. He looks so lost in himself right now that it hurts to see his like this. Something bigger than this, than me, is weighing heavily on his mind and when he opens his mouth, I can feel it to my core.

  “Me.” Gauge doesn’t wait for me to answer him. He presses a kiss to the top of my head and walks away leaving me in a stunned silence.

  My head is pounding from everything that’s happened tonight, but what is at the forefront is his word, that one word. He wants me to try for him but he can’t offer me more? I don’t understand any of this and it’s wearing me thin. That liquid pleasure is calling out to me from the spot in the back of my jeans. I want to give in and make it all go away. I want to plunge that needle into my vein and let the rest of the world fade. All thoughts are a jumbled mess inside of me. My heart aches and my soul breaks. How do I change who I am? How can I be something I’ve never been before? This is me whether he likes it or not.

  As T. S. Eliot said, “The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right for the wrong reason.” I can’t change for Gauge when I don’t even want to change for me. Pulling the needle from the back of my jeans, I uncap it and slide into my flesh. One push and that’s all it takes.

  Seventeen

  Gauge

  I watched her out the window wondering if she’d do the right thing. The longer she stood there the more I knew I couldn’t handle it. I walked away and didn’t look back. After that night, she didn’t talk to me for nearly a week, and when she did, it was a simple “hey”. Now she lies here curled up in my arms sound asleep. She comes to me on some nights. I let her in and hold her in my arms until she cries herself to sleep. I wasn’t naïve enough to think she’d stop overnight. In fact, I know that isn’t possible, but I thought she’d at least try. Maybe I don’t know shit about her after all. Her demons run deep.

  I slide my arm out from under her careful not to wake her when I see the time. I need to be in church in a few minutes. Grabbing my clothes, I throw them on quickly before sliding my cut up over my shoulders. One last look at her and I’m out there with my boots untied and thudding down the hallway. I pass a few prospects as they clean up and head toward to big wooden doors. When I walk in, Sly glances up at me but doesn’t say shit. I take my seat as the rest of the guys file in.

  “The security run went well with Rib. He’s asked for you guys again on the first. Might be a little longer than last time; he’s got a bigger load of guns comin’ in. Cory has the coke shipment set up for us to come in on Friday. I expect that shit cut and moved by Wednesday. Other than that, we’re all settled in, brothers.”

  I look at Sly and wonder how he does it. How he sits there and doesn’t even think about his own kid. Or maybe he does and just doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

  “Anything else you wanna bring up?” he asks looking around the table.

  “Yeah, Shelby. She’s tryin’ to fuck half the club, Prez,” Remy says, his words shocking the hell out everyone.

  “Shelby is just another club whore,” he informs the room.

  “She’s startin’ trouble with Dez,” OB chimes in.

  I scrub my hand down my face not knowing if I should chime in as well or keep my fucking mouth shut.

  “Ain’t no trouble between the two of them. From what I’ve seen, they stay separated,” Sly says, pissing me off with his lack of care for Dez. My blood boils as I turn to look at him.

  “You’re kiddin’, right? No trouble between them?” I snap. I lose it. I know this isn’t a discussion for the group, but what the fuck is he thinking right now? We both know she’s fucked up and he’s not doin’ shit about it.

  “You know the deal, Gauge,” he growls at me.

  “I also know your daughter is sprialin’ out of control and you’re too goddamn stubborn to see it!”

  He’s out his chair in seconds, jerking me from mine. His fist collides with my face before the guys leap into action. We’re yanked apart as the burn of the impending black eye shoots through me.

  “You better watch who you’re talkin’ to, brother!”

  “I am! I’m lookin’ at a fuckin’ coward who hides behind this club! A coward who shoves his own kid away for his own fuckin’ benefit!” I see how my words affect him and it’s no surprise when he tries to break free of the guys holding onto him.

  “You know shit! You said yourself, she’s a fuckin’ junkie! You think she’s gonna go to rehab just ‘cause I asked nicely? You don’t fuckin’ know her, Gauge!”

  The fire in his tone sets me off. I want blood but I don’t know whose. He’s right. She isn’t going to do anything she doesn’t want to do.

  “Fuck!” I roar shrugging the guys’ hold off me.

  “Let me go and get the fuck outta here,” Sly growls. I don’t look up but I know the guys are following orders.

  “You think I want to see her like that?” he asks when I hear the doors close behind us. I turn and drop back into the chair lighting a cigarette.

  “I don’t know what I think anymore, Sly.”

  “You fuckin’ my daughter? Man to man, Gauge. I’m not gonna lose my shit, I’m askin’ you as a man.” I don’t say shit and he takes that as his answer.

  “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doin’ to be honest, Sly. I respect the hell outta you. I wouldn’t do shit to fuck myself in this club. Yeah, I was with her a few times but shit,” I huff.

  “But you can’t be with her.”

  “Somethin’ like that.”

  “I get it, Gauge, whether you believe me or not. That’s why I stay away from her. I don’t know how to be the kind of dad she needs. Never have. I love my daughter, man. I just don’t know how to be there for her.”

  Truths come in all sizes and I suppose this is his.

  “I feel you, brother. But you know she needs help, Sly. I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never known how to do that and that’s what fucked me in the past. I can’t watch someone else I care about die, brother.”

  His eyes fill with sadness. He understands but he doesn’t know. I never shared my past with any of the guys. They’ve never known why I am the way I am.

  “I care about her too, Gauge. I just don’t know where to go from here. I’ll talk to her. I’ll try. That’s the best I can do.” I nod my head bringing my smoke to my lips and inhale.

  “I never meant no disrespect, Sly. I don’t know what I was thinkin’ with her. I just saw that loneliness in her eyes and I fuckin’ understood it all too well. I know what that shit feels like, and for whatever fucked up reason I didn’t want to see it in her.”

  “You don’t have to explain it to me, I g
et it. Fuck, brother. I’ve messed up my life since day one. Shit’s just gettin’ worse. I didn’t want this for her, and when her momma took her, a part of me wanted it to be for the best. Thought she would better off somewhere I wasn’t,” he says simply.

  “You still think that?”

  “I think the first chance Dezzy gets she’ll be long gone.”

  “You gonna let her go?” Sly looks over at me, a glint in his eye.

  “I don’t think that’s the question here.”

  “No? Then what is?”

  “The question is, are you gonna let her go?” I sit back in my chair and gaze at him shaking my head.

  “I don’t have an answer for that. I can’t keep her, Sly.”

  “You aren’t as fucked up as you think you are, Gauge. I brought you into this club because I saw the look in your eyes. I saw the fuckin’ strength that you had in you. I knew from the fuckin’ first day I saw you that you were different. You had somethin’ else in you that not many of us have. You had heart – still do. You stood up for what you wanted and believed in. Not all of us can say that shit.” His words hold meaning for me but they also hold lies. Maybe he doesn’t realize, but I do. My past is a testament to just how much I didn’t stand up for what I should have.

  “I don’t know, Prez. I like my life the way it is. Solitude is somethin’ I’ve grown accustomed to. Keepin’ to myself is probably for the best.”

  “Ain’t my decision to make for you. Do I think she can find somethin’ better? Fuck yeah I do, but I wonder how much that somethin’ better will care about her. We ain’t heartless as much as we feel like we are, Gauge. We’re all just victims of our lives. She ain’t no different. Her momma and I created this mess and now Dezzy has to live in it. I can’t change that for her as much as I wish I could,” he says looking me dead in the eye.

  “What do we do now, brother?”

  Sly chuckles and stands from his chair. “Now we get drunk as fuck. We got a lot of shit about to happen in a short amount of time. We haven’t just sat back and enjoyed bein’ fuckin’ Soulless Bastards in a while. We deserve that much. Gotta talk to the lawyer next week about Dezzy’s case and hope like hell Shelby does what she said she would.”

  I stand and follow him out of the room and out to the bar. We get a few glances but no one says a word. I don’t see Dez or her mom. I don’t know if I’m happy or worried. Either way, I grab a bottle of Jose and a couple beers and head over to the table Sly’s at.

  “You think she’s gonna follow through?” Just as I ask, Shelby comes traipsing down the hallway into the main room. Both of us track her movements as guys and girls alike start to file into the clubhouse. It’s Saturday. Time to fucking party and live it up.

  “Sure as hell hope for her sake that she does.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?” I ask snapping my eyes back to him.

  “It means, my daughter means more to me than Shelby ever will. I’ll do what I have to do to make sure my kid stays safe.”

  Eighteen

  Dezzy

  She’s overdramatic and annoying as hell. I watch her from my little seat in the corner, dancing and grinding on anyone who will look her damn way. To a point, it disgusts me. I know she’s not old, but Jesus, have a little class.

  “What are you snickering about?” Angel slides up next to me, tossing her arm around my shoulder.

  “That skank.” I nod toward her. Angel laughs.

  “She’s pretty out there, isn’t she?”

  “She’s a whore, Angel. Always has been.” Shit. I catch that fuck up after it’s too late. I glance over, my mouth open with an apology but Angel just shakes her head.

  “Don’t say it. I get it.”

  “You aren’t like her. She would fuck anything that could get it up.”

  “Yeah, I have a little more class than that,” she wiggles her eyebrows.

  “You truly do. At least you don’t fuck my boyfriends.”

  “How is he by the way? He’s been pretty moody lately,” she asks making me laugh. I nearly spit my drink, bringing my hand up to wipe away what did escape.

  “If I had one I would tell you.”

  “Oh, come on. We all see how Gauge looks at you. To be honest, I never thought he’d settle down. He’s always so lost in himself.”

  “He hasn’t settled, I promise. Neither of us are capable of that,” I tell her.

  “Sure you can. You just have to want it badly enough.”

  I don’t know how to respond to that so I don’t say anything else. I watch Angel walk away when she sees Gauge coming over.

  “Tradin’ one habit for another?” he slurs nodding toward the beer in my hand. If I was anyone else I would offended.

  “Something like that. Didn’t know you drank so much,” I respond nodding toward the nearly empty bottle of Jose in his hand.

  “Sometimes I just need it. I need to forget everything that I’ve fucked up in my life,” he says, his voice sounding haunted. Gauge has always been a mystery to me. His past is something he keeps closely guarded and from what I’ve asked around, no one here seems to know what the hell happened to him.

  “Sounds familiar,” I add. Gauge takes a seat next to me and sets the bottle on the table.

  “Wanna share some truths here?” I look over at his crystal blue eyes. I want to get lost in them. I want to get lost in him but I can’t.

  “Like what?”

  “Like why you use so much?”

  He already knows the answer to that it.

  “You know why.”

  “No. I know why you told me; however, there are others way to numb yourself, darlin’.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like me,” he chuckles.

  I know the alcohol is pushing his mood. He’s being playful and as cute as it is, it isn’t all that funny.

  “You’re drunk.”

  “Might be.”

  “Hey, Dez. Can I talk to you?” my dad calls out from behind Gauge. He turns his head to look over his shoulder, giving my dad a chin lift before going back to his bottle.

  “This should be fun,” I mumble under my breath and stand.

  “Give him a chance,” Gauge slurs before I walk away.

  I follow my dad into the room where church is held. Funny enough this is the first time I’ve ever been here. It doesn’t surprise me that the club logo is engrained into the wood table or painted on the wall.

  “Never been here, yeah?” he says as he takes a seat at the table like he belongs there. Hell, he does belong there.

  “Nope. Even when I’d try to sneak in OB would catch me before I ever hit the door.” I giggle at the memories off that. He would give me this look that was supposed to be lethal, but I always laughed until he laughed with me.

  “I’m not the best dad in the world, Dez. I don’t know how to be. I never had a dad growin’ up and the guys my mom was with weren’t that nice to me. They beat on me a lot and until I was old enough to defend myself, I let them. After that, I didn’t take shit.”

  I’m surprised that he’s sharing this with me. This is probably the most we have talked since he came to get me. “I didn’t know.”

  “I didn’t tell you. There’s a lot I didn’t tell you, and I regret that. I didn’t want kids, Dez not in this life. You came anyway and I tried like hell to be a good dad when you were born. I used to hold you and talk to you, tell you about my day, but as you got older, I saw what was right in front of me. I saw the danger and I was a selfish fucker but with good reason. I only wanted to keep you at a distance, sweetheart. I didn’t want you gettin’ hurt, and in the end, I’m the one that hurt you the most.”

  Tears stream down my cheeks as I listen to his version of an apology. I never thought I’d hear it but there it is.

  “I thought you hated me,” I sob. Dad stands from his chair pulling me from mine and into his strong arms.

  “Never hated you, Dez. I just wanted better for you. I thought when she left with you, you wou
ld find a better life. I fucked that up, baby girl. I’m sorry. So damn sorry,” he says into the top of my hair. I cry harder as he keeps me wrapped up in his arms.

  “What do we do now?” I ask when I pull back and look up at him. he reaches up and wipes my eyes with a smile on his face.

  “Now we take care of this mess you’re in and we move on. I can’t make promises, Dezzy. I’m not that kind of guy but I’m gonna do my best to better. I want to know my daughter. I want to be the dad I haven’t been in so long as long as I’m not too late.” I can hear the sadness in his tone as I smile up at him.

  “You’re not too late. I’m sorry I’ve been giving you hell.”

  “You wouldn’t be my kid if you didn’t,” he chuckles. “We need to talk about the drugs, Dez.”

  “I have been thinking about that too. I’m going to try – I really want to. I want that relationship with you. I’ve missed you.”

  “God, I missed you too,” he says hugging me once more.

  “Let’s go see what kind of shit we can start out there with OB,” he chuckles.

  “Sounds good but I need to do something first.” He nods his head and lets me leave the office. I head straight down the hall to my room grabbing the little black bag in my hand. Looking down at it, it holds everything from my past. Every single thought, memory. It’s all there. Turning on my heal, I head back into the main room and find Gauge still sitting where I left him. I walk right up to him, slamming the bag on the table in front of him. Those gorgeous blue eyes move to meet mine.

  “What’s this?”

  “This is me trying.”

  Slowly a smile curls his lips when he grabs me and pulls me into his lap. His lips crash into mine and I’m lost in the feeling he gives me. Not a void, not emptiness. Just full.

  Nineteen

  Gauge